Whats going on!

Before UNESCO declares this blog a "A World heritage site" and Japanese tourists wearing red caps and yellow shorts go crazy with their Fujifilm cameras clicking the Sameer-Priya, july 29(reliance mobile ki ad yaad karo) epic's manuscript, I puke one more post here.

So here I am ranting like any other "work-life" balance ke maare bhaailog. Being so wella that you strive hard to type anything, forces me to come up with this post. I hope some typing here balances my non-typing schedule at office.

Good lord, shooting a million juicy forwards (the "be very careful before opening" types, which you inspect when everybody thinks everybody around has gone for lunch, and they all watch it :P) to my kameene dost from my gmail inbox, Checking all those zindadil (who do not lock their albums) people's orkut photo albums every five minutes (bole to ekdum fasst. orkut updates se bhi pehle) , the kind of dudes and dudiyaas whose response to any problem or even a minor glitch in their smooth course of life is "Iski M@@ ki". I have started forwarding mails with subject "This Blue Pill can help you have a long fiesta with your chicks”, with the tag of hey this is for you.

The cricinfo page sits minimized in hidden taskbars on the office ka desktop. Even a faint badboo of the boss instigates to uninstall gtalk and messenger at the same time. And ask "Solitaire kya hota hai" reply comes : "JK tyre ki mehnat". Bade bhole bhaale log hai hum!! ;)


Over all life is good, as good as that of ball boy in a Maria Sharapova-Anna Kournikova match with Salma Hayek as Chair umpire.

News & Me:
India wins three medals at Olympics:
This is once in lifetime news & the feeling is as proud as one of those lucky fellows who get to see Haley’s comet.

Home Minister visits Serial blasts’ site in Delhi, Ahmedabad Bangalore:
What will he do there? Or he is thinking that hat the terrorists would be still hiding behind bushes over there and the minister would just point out and shout - "Wo dekha , wo raha Mohhamad Al Sami !! Wo dekho amrood ki Jhaadi ke peeche baitha hai bandook pakde !! Pakad lo kambaqth ko !! & in between please make sure that my next shirt is ready for the press interview”

Nokia Launches Handset with Navigator (GPS hee navigator hota hai? I need to know what GPS is…koi batayega)
Am sure one day they ll launch a handset with juicer-mixer-grinder, bas yehi bacha hai phone mein lagne ko

Ab prastut hai aap logon ke saamne, Veeru aur raamu kaka ki kuchh baatein ankahi :-)
Veeru : Today we have with us the iconic ramu kaka who has served thakur saahab for 25 long years. Ramu kaka has been with thakur saab since the days when he was a 'hand'some young man to his hands-free days. To Ramu kaka bataaiye. aapka kya experience raha ??

Ramu kaka : Ab kya bataau beta!! Bas baaki ke din kaat raha hu..thakur saab ki sewa me zindagi guzaar di..bechaare thakur saab apni vidhwa Bahu (jaya bachhan) ke to haanth peele nahee kar paaye.lekin budhaape me mere haath jarur peele kar diye...

Veeru : kya matlab??

Kaka : Arey kutto ke dracula!! itna bhi nahee samjhein...thakur saab pyjaame kaa naada to khol nahee paate hain, pichhwaada dhona to door ki baat hain..

Veeru : Ohh!! to iska matlab roz subeh aap hi.....Ohh!!

kaka : haa beta haa!! meri haanth ki rekhaaye wahaa chap gayee hai jahaa nahee chhapni chaahiye..!! aur saale ramgadh ke bacche bhi itne naalayak hain ki, mujhe 'dhoni, dhoni' kehke chidhaate hai...Budhaape me apne pichhle janam ka paap dho raha hu main..*sobs*

Veeru : Never mind kakaji!! ye bataaiye thakur saab ke kya haal hai..

Kaka : Mat poocho beta !! thakur saab ke chehre se maano khushi gaayab ho gayee hain...unki badnaseebi ke kisse sun nahee paaoge...

Veeru  : kakkajeeehhh!!....sunaa do pleeeezhh!!

kaka : " kya bataau beta ..ye mazaak unke saath 3 saal se hota aa raha hai..jab thakur saab apne jooton se gabbar ka sir kuchal rahein the tab peeche se police inspector ne hawaai fire kiya aur wo chillaaya "Hands up!!" ... kaahe ke hands kaahe ka up.. Thakur saab ki aankhon me aansu aa gaye...Aur jab court me gawaahi dene ki baari aayee tab bhi katghare me saala ek vakeel geeta utha ke le aaya aur bola "thakur saab geeta par haath rakh ke kasam khaiye aap jo kuch kahenge sach kahenge....." ..aise mazaak beta kaun jhel sakta hain.."

"Yahee nahee raamgadh ke shararati launde aaye din chauraahe par unse pooch pooch ke bhaagte hai "thakur saab ghadi me time kya huaa hai" . Lekin uss din to had hi ho gayee jab thakur ke b'day par sab chokro ne mil kar unko dumbbell gift kar diya...

Saale ab thakur ji ko ramgadh ki cricket team ka wicketkeeper banane ka plan bana rahe hain.. Uff..mujhse to aur dekha nahee jaata..*sob* "

Veeru  : himmat rakhiye ramu kaka!! main bhi bobby deol ka baap huu..aur esha deol bhi meri hi beti hai..samajh sakte ho naa aaap..!!

Kaka: Samajhta hu veeru!! jis din mujhe lagega ki ab bas bahut ho gaya aur ab mujhe eeshwar ke paas chale jaana chahiye uss din tumhaari beti ki 2-3 filmey lagaataar dekh lungaa...* sigh*..

Veeru : Sahee hai kaka!! waise agar phir bhi thodi bahut jaan bachee reh jaaye to mujhe boliyega mai bobby ki 1-2 latest movies ka intezaam kar dunga..

Kaka : Jarur beta!! basanti se kehna ki dhanno usey aaj bhi yaad karti hai..ab main chalta hu..thakur saab ke pressure aane ka time ho gaya...

Its diwali time and i can see a tension on my mum's face on what to give to kaamwali.....help required 

EOP. Time to comment

Festivals of National importance-Part 1

Heppy Fraandsheep day to aal of you barring a few (arey kyuki Valentine's day ka bhi tyohaar aane waala hai). Friendship day is the foundation for the house to be built whose housewarming is scheduled six months later on the valentine's day and subsequent "hum 2 se 3 ho gaye moment" 9 months later on the children's day.

Must say that we have really managed the national festivals of lovwwvwvwee & friendship with great care, such that within six months of friendship day, we have valentine’s day & exactly months after we have Children’s day. And as they say in the west "Happy friendship day, your place or mine?". Hum to phir bhi bahut peeche hai.

Take this…………….

"hello..hello unty ji Jyoti ghar par hai !!"

"kaun??"

"Jee mai uska classmate Sonu bol raha hu..aunty mujhe Jyoti ko 'haippee fraandship day' wish karna tha"

"Accha achaa tum wahee Sonu ho jisne last year bhi friendship day ke din phone kiya tha?"

"haan aunty mai wahee (Abhaga) Sonu hoon"

"Beta lagta hai iss ek saal me tum kuch khaas progress nahee kar paaye, abhi tak sirf friendship ke liye hi fight maar rahe ho"

"Haan aunty *sighs* beech me Valentine's day bhi nikal gaya, lekin afsos"

"Dhyaan se beta, Raakhi bhi paas hi hai..kahee kuch apshagun naa ho jaaye"

"jarur jarur"

This is not me disguised as Sonu….mind ittt!!!!

Ab aagey….

The irony is, your best of friends will never call you or message you on this day except for those assholes who vanished from your social radar completely after college. And then on one fine friendship day they suddenly blip on your cell phone's inbox. if suppose you call them up (condition holds only if the long lost friend is remotely feminine) and ask their whereabouts they take a deep breath and say "Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai".

Anyways, the concept of this very day, which the movie "kuch kuch hota hai" gave birth in to the minds of the youth (opportunist cum frustrated bavaayez), gives every frustoo like me a chance to break the ice-berg between any closest good looking object of the opposite sex.

EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE

The news channels are no less. I’ve got this confidential news that Aaj tak has signed an MoU with Aspirin. (I am waiting for any channel which signs it with Viagra haah!!).Just have a look at an instance of the prime time news bulletin on Aaj tak on this (inter)national festival of fraandship

Sanjay: "Aaiye hum aap ko le chalte hai vishvidyalay jahan humaare samvaad daata deepak chaurasia maujood hai"

" haa deepak kyaa aap hamey sun sakte hai"

(Deepak is on screen and he is as blank as laloo's 10th board answer sheet)

"Deepak aapko humaaree awaaz aa rahee hai...deepak"

Deepak : "...haa sanjay boliye"

(People behind Deepak desperate to come on TV are waving as if stranded on an island for ten years and trying to signal a far off ship in sight)

"Deepak iss wakt wahaa fraandseep day ki kaaafi gehma gehmi hogi.kyaa mahaul hai iss wakt wahaa par??"

“Sanjay jaisaa ki hum sab ko pataa hai.aaj fraandseep day hai, to aaj yahaan diwali jaisa mahul hai…ladke naye naye kapde pehen kar motorcyclon pe chakker kaat rahe hain


TURRRRRRRRRRRRRR !!!!!! a scooter passes by and deepak is interrupted…

With renewed energy he speaks up

”Apko bataa du ki iss baar chaman chaiwale ne isspecial chocolates evam mithayion ka prabandh kiya hai aur sajaawat ke liye 5 kilo phool bhi mangaaye gaye hai aur gaur karne waali baat ye hai ki phool bilkul Phreshh hai…special pandaal lagaaye gayein hai…..pandaal banaane me kaamdhenu sariyaa(iron rods) istemaal kiya gaya hai”

Then suddenly the camera shifts to Sanjay in the studio when he comes to know of the fact that he is on-air and he has nothing to speak and Deepak on the other side is…….. Sanjay is speechless and his face is like as if he has pissed in his pants.

Deepak : “…..aapko bata dein ki twinke beauty parlour pe aaj facial ke liye line lagi hui hai, ek ladki jo abhi wahaan se facial kara ke aayi hai…...chaliye unse hi poochhte hai ki wo kaisaa mehsoos kar rahee hai”


Deepak: “devi ji .bataaiye aap facial karaakar kaisaa mehsus kar rahee hai??”

Deepak trying to shove the microphone up her nostrils.

” bataaiye … bataaiye…… bataaiye….” deepak struggling.



And immediately the telecast is switched to the studio cameras and Sanjay sitting there says in a hurried tone.

“Chaliye ab chalte hai Raakhi saawant ke paas jo ye maang kar rahee hai ki item numbers ka bhi oscar nomination honaa chahiye..”

"Ab kya bataau yaar.....maar rakhi hai"

Inevitable perennial Laziness

“Which team do you support Mr. Chawla” asked Dr. Kulkarni. This was just the beginning & so much water/sewage has already flown under the bridge!!! Yessss…sahi samjhe bachcha log …the protagonist of this blog is Ranjan-Mano ka baap….DLF-IPL. Need to mention DLF….250 crore rupaye ka sawaal hai bhai

Khabaron ki taraf aage badhte huey,
Bhajji(of TERI MONKEY fame) aur unke chhote brother SreeSHANT ke beech ki ladai ko uncle Farooq ne sulta diya hai. Ye dekho
Before:



After:

 

So far I have not been to watch any match of IPL but still I dream to watch Mohali team winning as you get nice tight hug from Preiy Zinta for every victory…even pitch curator get one. Ness Wadia now prays for the team’s defeat. Infact Ness Wadia, the co-owner of the Punjab Kings XI was reportedly happy when his team was mauled by the Mumbai Indians as none of the players got a chance to get cozy with his fiancée

Moving ahead with the fillumy connection of DLF-IPL ,the OSO star SRK is now chanting HOME SHANTY HOME with Gauri/Karan/Arjun/Fardeen etc etc & all of them have now decided to concentrate back on movies, while the very hot Deepkia Padukone is very happy as both Chennai (Dhoni) & Mohali(Yuvraj) are through semis. Shaaantiiiiiii
YE HAI BOLLISTAAN MERI JAAN

With DLF IPL, another thing that is kicking off is DUS KA DUM …the serial stripper (only shirts…mind it) Sallu bhai, with grown hair says “paaan--ch jooooooonnn se …..Dekte raiyye Sonee Ennertaynmen Chaaynayl...” An accent that gives All-American-fluent-speakers’ association president a complex & he begins to think if his accent is too Indianised.

Mean while, coming back to Manoranjan ke Baap, the big-wigs of Indian cricket (Sachin/Saurav/rahul) have decided to use the newly developed TRUST ME ( jee haan ye khabar hai…Zurich ki ek chemical co ne aisa spray banaya hai …watch India TV for more details) spray so as the bidders can put the remaining faith in them during the next bidding process.

The most interesting thing is that the pre/post match analysis is hosted by the the guys who are usually found saying ki “mere toothpaste mein namak hai”. Hats off to their efforts, no body on this earth try so desperate not-to-look-dumb. Good work boys.

Cheer leaders: bas bolomat unke bare(baare) mein…dekh lo


So this was the week's wrap up from your very own underpaid reporter.
Bilkul latesht mein "Oye paappe! aaj to Marsh Rajasthan ki M** ***** raha hai.
And me & Ness have again cried because of Mohali's victory

Aur kuchh aisa likhhon, ya aap likhoge....comments

EOP