Jab We NEVER Met

After watching JWM, my brother called me n said, “O Yaar tu itna train mein ghoomta hai, tere ko kabhi koi Geet nahi mili”. For all such moments Silence is Gold. And for all you not-so-frequent-train-users, this movie should come with a disclaimer that sweet gals(who don’t even mind wo brothel wali baat) like Geet do not travel in train & if they, they surely wont care much about you. I know this is disheartening, but being a responsible citizen, I think I should give all you a brief description of how train companions are.

The first disappointment comes when there is no F-16 to F-23 in the reservation chart, and two in next compartment.

1) H2S2-Hum Saath Saath Hain:
The great Indian families –
It can be a Joint or a nuclear family, but one thing is sure that it will rob you off the peace of mind which u were having after reading(watching) that last colourful page of Delhi times . Imagine yourself sitting on the window seat cool-ly flipping through pages of a random "feel-good" stuff with your tired legs stretched on the berth, a gentle breeze running through your hair, with all your li'l luggage already chained you think about your hometown, friends and family back home. Aah absolute bliss. Aur insaan ko chahiye hee kya…. Then suddenly:-

"O bhaai saab!! aapka seat number kaun saa hai??" A middle aged person farts on your face. Following him is his family with two wailing piddi piddi kids filled with their anger on mathswali Madam and their clumsy mommy bearing a Rakhi(Gulzar, not Sawant) looks on her face. You try your best to sound polite "Ye 17 number seat meri hai, khidki waali ""Paaaapppppaa mekko window waali seat chahiyyyyye!! uwaaaaa....!! mekko chahiiiyeee..." piddhi bursts out..And you look at the li'l moron(piddhi) and then u think of those matrimonial website. Then the mommyji looks like…"Thakur mere Karan-Arjun ko seat dedo” You wish some sanity had prevailed. Bah!These families, I must say have Post Doctoral degree in Luggage Management. "Arrey piddhi ki Mummy, wo khaane wala thaila uppar hee rakh do…hmm aur baaki sab yahaan neeche rakh do”. And they try to squeeze it all thru the space below the lower berth. Your pyaara sa sky bag looks like Sania Mirza sharing a stool to sit with Serena williams”

After an hour of farmaishi gaano ke karyakram of Himesss bhai’s song on papa ke mobile, the khaana peena time comes.
This is the time when you think that you should now walk out this place and purify your lungs with some lights. The magical moments are over as soon as you find that the Kanpur wali maussi ji a dia hua achaar has beautified your pyaara sa Sky bag.

Ab ye TT bahiya is, I the person with best composure, in a very sweet sound voice, he ll blare” "haanji , Ticket…ticket dhikhao vaaii(or bhaiii)" Now at this point of time Piddhi ki has no clue whre thr ticket is! “Arrey dekhna kahin aapke batue(wallet) mein to nahi hai”. Mian ji is impatient "Pachaas baar kaha hai nikalne se pehle ticket samhaal ke rakha karo, Mr. bajaj(kausti zindagi wale) laake dega kya tkt!! " TT baabu is used to this, so he shows no signs of disgust and goes about asking other victims in the compartment for the tickets, including you.
She will fish out all the safety pins, speed post ki reciepts, ration ka bill, but one thing which won’t come out is the ticket. After some 10 minutes of mining into the purse, a real crumbled piece of paper comes out, in a condition as deplorable as Sonia Gandhi’s Hindi. Along with the ticket a few translucent papers also arrive in the scene "jab zor se ho aai, aur saabun naa de dikhaai, and then instant haath ki safaai" waala paper.

And when the train halts at some random station its the (stone)age old tradition for the the daddyji to fill every empty thing in the compartment with the "shuddh and sheetal jal" which you get on the platforms. He disapperars with the empty bottles in the mileu and after a while when its time for the train to depart, the mummyji again with the disaster management look on her face exclaims " Kahaa chale gaye paani laane!! abhi tak nahee laaye!!" Piddhi is also in a full mood to explore the station, so he exclaims,
“Mumma main dekh ke aao,”
“Nahi koi zaroorat nahi, kahin akbaar lene chale gaye honge, jaise inke bina Manmohan Singh koi nirnay(decision) nahi lega”Her hubby after outmuscling and out-swearing (naya word note kar le!!) the other uncles at the water cooler, comes out all smiles with two half filled bottles under his arm pits & of-course aaj ka akhbaar.

To aapne dekha(padha), there is nothing like a Ratlam Station or a Decent hotel.


2) CCD - college ke chhichhore din :-
Now here, there is no Mr bajaj ki fan following families, and not Jab We Met, yeah Jab we MATE is for sure. Every sentence they utter is sandwiched between words which u utter each time you hear the actual figure of your boss' salary. O B……., M……
Once the brats are done with chaining their luggage and "sutta" they are set to explore the train for that “F-16 to F-22” s, whose locations they had byhearted from the reservation chart pasted outside the coach. They scan each compartment they pass by, and the data is shared among themselves when they reach the ends of the coach near the washbasin. And when that data is churned to come up with some vital information as to "which coach and which berth no.", the whole group oscillates to and fro about the "point of interest".These dudes like to get down at every other platform, roll up their sleeves, light a ciggy and look around and say "Weather kitna sexy hai re!!", (even if the train halts there just for a few nanoseconds). These guys sure are cool. I was one such brat some time back, alas i'm spoilt now.Aah the joys of the sleeper class. The sight of the stones and gravel from the hole in the commode, the sacred inscriptions on the toilet walls for instance some outright materialistic "Saleema i luv you..err..your.." and some philosophical as in "Ek aadmi ke hote hai 2 mouth , ek to hota hai north aur ek south"[of his anatomy] and some cheesy lines like .."Boond Boond se saagar bharta hai, apni boonde apne pass rakhiye" (ab aur nahee likhta!! rehne de yaar kuchh females bhi blog padhti hai...), the unadulterated entertainment provided by those clappy-happy eunuchs, the chaaiwaalahs drawl, Phew!! so many memories!! Let’s see if you can add to this list!! Till then Sat Sri Tatkaal!!